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Anger is the most dangerous and least useful emotion for humans in the 21st century. It must have had survival value in the past, because we all feel it so deeply, but in today's world, it's an emotion that hurts us rather than helps us.
Your mother and I have great experience with this emotion. And it's the root of all the troubles in our marriage. Anger will also cause you trouble at school and trouble at work, so learn how to control it.
Anger is a fire that burns you from within.
Even when I'm angry, I think before I speak. In fact I have the opposite problem, I often go into my cave and won't talk to her. That makes her more angry than if I yelled at her. When I was dating her, I didn't think before I spoke. But dating and marriage are very different.
Now that I'm working, I need to think before I speak at work.
This all changed after I met your dad and went to several counselors. They helped me realized how “emotional” my family is and how that has really shaped who I was and how I behaved. I can still see this in your grandmother “A-ma”. She still has extremely bad days and extremely good days. Your grandfather, “A-gon” is not so moody but he is an extremely anxious man. He worries about a lot of things and “nag” about a lot of things. Everything is exaggerated to the point if he sees someone gets murdered in Georgetown, he will tell you not to ever go there again. So you see, I grew up in a household, where outward emotions (good or bad) are common things while your dad grew up in an empty space. I think that’s where our difficulties lay.
Men and women are already different enough to begin with. Add extreme family background to this, and you have an explosive and “water vs oil” situation where both sides don’t have a clue as to what is going on with the other side. I would have to say that although my parents are over-protective, anxious and moody, they are also very supportive, loving and affectionate. They never forget to hold hands or hug each other when they are just sitting down to watch TV. They openly told us all the time, how much they love us, how important we are to them and their hopes and dreams for us. I always felt loved and comforted knowing that no matter where I am, who I become, there will be two people in the world who love me though thick and thin. I think perhaps that’s the most important gift that you can give to your children.
Love
Okay, there's more to love than arguing, but if you don't learn to argue well, love doesn't have a chance to grow and mature.
Mom’s point of view:
This is something difficult for me to write about because I had and have so much difficulties dealing with this part of me. As you will or do know, I get angry very fast but also forgive very fast. In fact, before I met your dad, I lived on “emotions” alone. I seldom rationalize or “think” about what I was suppose to do. I “felt” my way around rather than “think”. I would have extreme happy days when I was simply in hog heaven or extremely bad days when I felt sad, frustrated and lost. I didn’t know that I can actually “talk” my way out of a frustrating situation or have a chat with myself and actually change the course of direction that I was about to take.
When You're Sad
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First, remember, it won't last. Emotions, whether intensely happy or deeply sad, come and go quickly. Most people have the same level of hapiness throughout their life, whether they win the lottery or loose their legs. (see Stumbling on Happiness). Second, your life isn't over. In fact, you have a whole, unimagined life ahead of you, with many wonderful memories to come. You can't see them now, because they haven't happened yet, but the probabilities are on your side. Third, escape. Think about what makes you happy and do it. For me it's bicycling and books. Splurge. Treat yourself to something you've wanted, but haven't gotten around to buying. Fourth, call a friend. That's what friends are for. Fifth, do something nice for someone. That will lift your spirit as well as theirs. Now you're spreading happiness instead of sadness.
Yes, I know. Words do hurt. Your mom and I have hurt each other many times with words alone. My old professor warned me, when I asked him about what he learned from his divorce, "Be careful what you say, because some things can't be taken back." But remember they are just words, and you allow those words to hurt you. They aren't the cause. Something inside you is the cause.
So what is the cause? The Buddists say the cause of unhappiness is desire. When a child wants a toy but is told he can't have it, what happens? If he hadn't seen that toy, then he wouldn't be unhappy now. If he had seen the toy, but hadn't been interested in it, then he wouldn't be unhappy either. Therefore, say the Buddists, if you remove desire, you remove unhappiness.
The Taoists have another perspective. To know happiness means to know sadness. They are two sides of the same coin. You cannot have one without the other. If a child has a toy that makes him happy, then when the toy is taken away or breaks, he will be sad. Following the Tao means to accept what happens as a part of life. Do not try to control life (you can't), just experience it (and don't let it control you). Let it happen. Sadness is part of life, go with it, and move on.
Evolutionary theory offers another view. Sadness and anger happen because they had survival value. They are negative emotions that you want to get rid of. So think about what caused them, what to do about them, and then do something different so they won't happen again. That will allow you to improve yourself and become a better person. (Or, in the case of anger, kill the person who made you angry, so they won't cause you any more problems :-)
In your teenage years, boys will cause most of your sadness. Come to think of it, they'll cause most of your sadness in your 20's, too. And after you're married, guess who will be causing problems for you then?
So what's the trouble? The boy you like doesn't like you? The boy you like has broken up with you? You've just learned the boy you like has another girlfriend and hasn't told you? The boy you like doesn't ask you to the dance? Those problems have happened to everyone. It's universal. Call up a friend, and commiserate. Tell her what a rotten scum he is, and how much better off you are without him. (If she doesn't agree with you, watch out! She's after him! :-)
Not Making the Cut
What if you try out for a team, but don't qualify? What happens if they're choosing sides and nobody wants you? What if you aren't accepted into the group you want? The solutions are obvious, but the won't take away the pain right now.
Continue working toward the goal you want. Make a plan. People don't usually succeed the first time they try something. That's why there's homework. Take a look at Abraham Lincoln and the more complete story about those "facts" at Snopes.com to see one person's story of repeated failure and eventual success. (Well, I don't know about the success part. If he hadn't become president, he would have lived a longer life!)
Missing School
Getting sick before a dance or a date
Bad Grades
The Death of Someone You Love
Girls tend to be more “moody” than boys. That’s a fact. We have very distinct hormonal cycles and there are days that we are just more “emotional”, “weepy” and “melodramatic”. Your dad doesn’t get this point even though he says he “understands” it intellectually. He certainly doesn’t know how to “handle” it and often makes it even worse. But the bottom line is, you will have days when you just feel as if you woke up from the wrong side of the bed and you just can’t figure out why. I still have a hard time and certainly your grandmother (my mom) has them even in her 60s. We can’t blame dad for not understanding this because grandma (his mom) never showed any outward emotions, (not good or bad) so daddy has no idea what “emotions” really are. He can “think” about them but he doesn’t really understand them at all. But that’s what make us all human instead of robots. We all have wants, needs and desires. There are many things in life that will make us disappointed, sad, angry and frustrated. But there are also lots of things that are wonderful, comforting, joyful and rewarding.
Written: Sunday, August 13, 2006
When my fiance called to tell me it was over, I rode all over the cornfields
And when I'm upset, I take a bicycle ride. Suicide Lots of things can cause unhappiness. When I wasn't admitted to the college I wanted, I held my dad's revolver in my hand and contemplated suicide. My mother walked in and said, "If you're going to shoot yourself, then shoot me first." I told her it was just an intellectual exercise. I was just thinking about the pros and cons of killing myself.
Since you don't know what the future holds, that's the best reason to live I didn't know what the future
Stuck in the hospital Joyce Packwood, couldn't commit suicide
My Mother's Murder