• Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
• I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
• Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
• I'm not getting smaller I'm backing away from you.
• Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?
• I don't know what makes you dumb But it really works.
• Rehab Is for Quitters
• My Dog Can Lick Anyone
• Computer programmers don't byte They nibble a bit.
• BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice) We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
• People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
• Oh crap! You're going to try and cheer me up, aren't you?
• Do not disturb I'm disturbed enough already.
• Excuse, but do I look like someone who cares?
• -Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
-The Hunchback of Notre Dame's secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my hump.
-We have them just where they want us.
J. T. Kirk
-I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
-Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
-I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking.
-Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
-The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
-The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxie
-Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
-Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.
-When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
Art Denman
-Sex is a disrobic experience
-Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
J.T. Kirk
-Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Albert Einstein
-Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
-Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
-We are the people our parents warned us about.
-Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
-How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
-There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
-Power means not having to respond.
-Onward, through the fog.
-Never kick a man unless he's down.
-Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.
-The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
-I'm not as dumb as you look.
-I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
-Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
-How can I love you if you won't lie down?
-I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.
-You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
-When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
-To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
-Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
-I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
-I'm the person your mother warned you about. -How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face? -God is dead and I want His job. -Work is the curse of the drinking class. -I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving. -Our parents were never our age. -Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person. -There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools. -Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. -In the country of the blind the one eye'd man is king. -He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth. -It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys. -When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. Mae West -I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, okay? -He who laughs last didn't get the joke. -Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. -You can't fall off the floor. -Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last. -Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. Mae West -I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally. -I think I could fall madly in bed with you. -I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost. -Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints. -Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours. -Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. -I worship the ground that awaits you. -The future isn't what it used to be. -I wish you were a beer. -I want to live forever or die in the attempt. -Love means telling you why you're sorry. -Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy. -Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. -I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. -I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come? -Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible? -Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness. -Better dead than mellow. -If I follow you home will you keep me? -A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine. -There is no gravity. The Earth sucks. -Buerocrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass. -The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies -It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it. -You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word. -Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive. -The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. -Drink wet cement: Get Stoned. -Kite fliers keep it up longer. -My human experience is just beginning (This one on a little kid's shirt) • • I’m the boss. My parents are just for show. -If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly. -An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth. -You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them. -Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. -Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them. -We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God. -Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat. -I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference. -Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do. -When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. -It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools. -If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit. -I'm not cynical. Just experienced. -I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant. -I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11. -Bend over. I'll drive. -I don't have a drinking problem. I drink I get drunk I fall down No problem -Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick. -We dive at five. -I'd walk over you to see the Who. -It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. -I'm for lust. -I want a meal, not a snack. -Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain. -The word today is Legs ... Spread the word. -Biodegradeable • My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems. • Nice face! What are you gonna' do when the baboon wants his butt back? • Support human cloning! Two heads are better than one. • Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip! • I'm not getting smaller, I'm backing away from you. • Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast? • I wear the brains in the family. • I don't know what makes you dumb, but it really works. • There's too much blood in my alcohol system. • If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? • You're just jealous because the voices talk to me. • Don't interrupt me while I'm talking with myself! • Marriage is not a word; it's a sentence. • I'm with stupid >>> • No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway! • It's only funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious. • People like you are the reason people like me need medication. • Oh crap! You're going to try and cheer me up, aren't you? • My mom says I must have been a gifted child because she certainly wouldn't have paid for me! • Save the trees. Wipe your butt with an owl! • Do not disturb! I'm disturbed enough already. • Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. • I'm sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot. • Excuse, but do I look like someone who cares? • If you can't say something funny about someone, don't say anything at all. • The world is a strange place. Let's keep it that way! • I woke up on the wrong side of life. • WARNING! All stressed out and I haven't choked anyone today. • There's one in every crowd, and I'm it. • Keep watching. Maybe I will do a trick! • If I got smart with you, how would you know? • To save time, let's just assume that I know everything. • Sarcasm is just one more FREE service we offer. • If I flush, will you go away? • My girlfriend told me to be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends. • 5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions! • If you have something to say, please raise your hand and put it over your mouth! • Do I look like your therapist? • I live in my own little world. It's okay! They know me here. • Normal people scare me! • I can only please one person per day, and today is not your day. Tomorrow does not look good either. • OH! I get it! You don't own a full length mirror. • I'm in no shape to exercise. • You need someone listening to you for it to be an actual conversation. • Do I seem self-centered, or is it just me?