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The Breakup Test: 5 Questions to Ask Before Giving 'Em the Boot

By Elina Furman
Special to Yahoo! Personals
Updated: Dec 28, 2007
Elina Furman
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Is it better to be the breaker-upper or the dumpee? With so much attention being paid to those poor people dumped every year, no one ever takes time to think about what it's like to be the dumper. Hardly an enviable position, the decision to break up with someone can breed feelings of guilt, paralysis and depression.
To alleviate some of this anxiety, here's a list of 5 questions to ask yourself before you give someone the boot.
Question 1: Has There Been a Major Change in My Life?
“Relocation, career change, an illness -- any of these factors can trigger problems in a relationship.”
Relocation, career change, an illness -- any of these factors can trigger problems in a relationship. If you're stressed out about something, be it a job or family problem, it's all too tempting to generalize these feelings to include your partner. It's very easy to think that if you got out of this relationship you would feel better. In reality, you need to deal with the problem rather than blame it on your partner.
Question 2: What's My Happiness Ratio?
Being blissfully in love with your partner 24/7 is a wonderful concept in theory, but as we all know, real-world relationships rarely live up to these expectations. Many people assume that they have to be 100 percent satisfied with their partners in order to stick with them, but good luck ever finding this perfect scenario!
A better strategy would be to adopt the 80 percent rule. Ask yourself:
“Am I satisfied with my partner 80 percent of the time or more?”
Am I satisfied with my partner 80 percent of the time or more? If the answer is yes, then you're working with pretty good odds. If the answer is no, you may want to consider moving on.
Question 3: Is He/She Abusive?
Abusive behavior comes in many forms. There's physical abuse where someone hits, slaps or shoves you. A verbally abusive partner degrades you with harsh words and insults. And the most difficult to identify and pinpoint: psychological abuse. This form of abuse can involve overly controlling behavior, emotional blackmail, and episodes of extreme jealousy. If your partner engages in any of the above behavior, don't just walk -- run from the relationship.
Question 4: Have I Expressed My Frustration?
Many of us think that if our partner was right for us, he/she would be able to understand our needs intuitively without us ever having to communicate. While it would be great if our partners could just read our minds, the truth is that few of us are telepathic.
Good communication is required in every relationship.
“So before you give your partner their walking papers, make sure to discuss your doubts and concerns so they have a chance to make it up to you.”
So before you give your partner their walking papers, make sure to discuss your doubts and concerns so they have a chance to make it up to you.
Question 5: Am I Willing to Work at It?
Whatever your gripes or complaints, there's one factor that can make or break your union: your mutual desire to work on the relationship. If you're not both committed to improving your quality of life together, there's very little hope for the future.
And remember, actions speak louder than words. If both of you make a concerted effort to work on the relationship and make the necessary changes that are required, there's really no reason to call it quits.
More Elina Furman
Elina Furman's photo by Linda Rowe
Relationship and life-skills expert
Kiss and Run
Elina Furman is the author of "
Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment." She has written and cowritten more than 20 books and has appeared on more than 100 national and local television and radio shows, including The Today Show, Good Morning America and The Early Show. Her books have been featured in Time, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Newsweek, USA Today and Fortune. She is online at kissrunbook.com.
Leave a comment COMMENTS50 COMMENTS
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A Yahoo! Contributor
Thanks for the tips. I was considering leaving my GF but after reading those 5 rules I&#39;ve come to realize that it&#39;s not a good idea. The major changes are my fault, not hers. My happiness ratio is very high overall despite that one big snag, which was actually my fault. She&#39;s not abusive, neither am I and that&#39;s not an issue. And I&#39;m willing to work at it and sit down and explain what I want in this relationship. I&#39;ll be reasonable as well; I can&#39;t realistically ask for too much because I know I can&#39;t give as much as well. We just have to find a middle ground where we&#39;re comfortable with one another.
No Photo
considering getting rid of my partner,but it is not a &#39;real&#39; relationship. It is comfortable in a way, because he does not challenge me on any level. We&#39;ve known each other over 30 years and have been &#39;friends with benefits&#39; off and on for at least 7 different episodes and I have no good reason to stay other than putting myself out there would mean I have to get familiar with another guy.
No Photo
My partner&I are tring to be open with each other. I have very strong feeling for him. He&#39;s A good one. I feel we answer yes to all questions and we pass. Yes, we have something there that we can bulit some thing strong and good. Thanks.
A Yahoo! Contributor
thanks i feel worse but better about my girlfriend leaving suddenly after a year and 4 months
A Yahoo! Contributor
Guys are better off single
A Yahoo! Contributor
What does &#39;s mean? I see this all the time in comments...I can&#39;t figure it out! HELP???
A Yahoo! Contributor
The years go by very quickly, especially as you get older. If things aren&#39;t going well, don&#39;t assume the future is going to be better. And don&#39;t try to change the other person - that&#39;s useless and doesn&#39;t work. For those of you planning on seeking counseling- Always remember: couples therapy is just a speed bump to the inevitable breakup.
A Yahoo! Contributor
The years go by very quickly, especially as you get older. If things aren&#39;t going well, don&#39;t assume the future is going to be better. And don&#39;t try to change the other person - that&#39;s useless and doesn&#39;t work. For those of you planning on seeking counseling- Always remember: couples therapy is just a speed bump to the inevitable breakup.
A Yahoo! Contributor
uhuh.. so i guess i&#39;ll break with her..
A Yahoo! Contributor
The problem with the internet is everyone thinks they are an expert. This article is full of bad advice. The bottom line is each individual is responsible for his/her own happiness in a relationship. No effort, no commitment, no reward, that addresses 4 out of 5. Abusive relationships can be overcome with professional help, without it, the behavior goes on. For the benefit of the abuser, get him/her the help, they deserve it and you will be glad for your partner the abuse is overcome.
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