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You Can't Always Get What You Want: So Focus on What You Need

By Evan Marc Katz Updated: Dec 29, 2007
Evan Marc Katz
Average (104 votes) stars Rate it:
Why is it so hard to land the one you want? Because what you "want" isn't necessarily good for you. And in going after the person you think you want, you ignore what you really need.
Want vs. Need. It's a blurry area. Because ultimately, we want it all, even when our desires contradict themselves.
"I want someone with strong opinions...who's easygoing and never argues."
"I want someone who's spontaneous and wild...who has a stable job."
"I want someone who's gregarious at parties...but never flirts with anyone else."
You see the problem here?
“The qualities we seek often come with a significant downside -- a downside that we tend to ignore.”
The qualities we seek often come with a significant downside -- a downside that we tend to ignore. I have a dating coaching client who is in his mid-40's, smart, successful and serious about finding Ms. Right. Every week, we talk about his dates and how they match up with his mental checklist: someone with a Mensa IQ and a model body. Yet he complains that the young, thin women are a little too immature, the brainy corporate lawyers are a little too demanding.
We want the good qualities without the bad qualities. We are all, to some degree, hypocrites.
How do you get over it?
Figure out what you NEED and separate it from what you WANT.
You want someone tall. You need a strong emotional connection.
You want someone who likes the same music. You need financial stability.
You want someone who is drop-dead gorgeous. You need someone who accepts you at your worst.
“When we're dating, we often look for people who are mirror images of ourselves.”
When we're dating, we often look for people who are mirror images of ourselves. For example, a successful woman will usually seek a successful man. But that very quality which makes them successful creates friction -- which is how you end up with two strong-willed people who can't stop arguing. Or two people who demand all the attention. Or two people who put their jobs before their relationships.
Stop dissecting people
It would seem that the best course of action would to find someone who complements us instead. But we don't. We just keep trying to find "better" versions of ourselves, to our own detriment. It's no wonder we're still single.
If we're to overcome our basest wants, we need to focus on what's most important.
“We have to stop expecting people to act better than we do.”
We have to stop expecting people to act better than we do. We have to stop dissecting people like lab frogs and finding fault. We have to stop extolling the flashiest virtues -- looks, money, pedigree -- and start focusing on things like heart, kindness, compassion and loyalty.
Only then can we reach the point where we say, while looking at the ring on our finger, "It's not that my partner is perfect; it's that she's perfect for me."
To get more free articles from Evan, click here.
Leave a comment COMMENTS50 COMMENTS
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A Yahoo! Contributor
Believe me, it's not about what the guy wants... Women "want" a guy that earns at least mid 6-figures, waits six months before intimacy, has a ponderosa with a 3 car garage and a Beamer in every stall, is Mr wonderfully everything all the time, isn't hiding a mistress in each of his summer homes... and importantly, can still get it up. Trust me, if a guy like that exists, he is happily married, or has his chauffer out gleaning dates for him, not hanging out on personal dating sites. Ladies need to listen to your advice as well and decide for themselves whether they want a guy that is polite and attentive to their needs, or does she need the go-getter with the sometimes bad attitude. Women could start by picking up the full tab once in a while or try bringing the guy simply flowers or a CD of a band he likes... That will show more than anything else you do that you care for his well-being also. BTW... It is OK for the woman to seduce the man once in a while. Why does the guy Always have to initiate?
Just be yourself
A Yahoo! Contributor
I really took exception to this comment: We just keep trying to find "better" versions of ourselves, to our own detriment. It's no wonder we're still single. Just because someone is married doesn't mean they did it "right"...it may just mean they're afraid to take a chance so they've settled and are miserable lol
EXCELLENT POST number 1 I couldn't have said it better myself.
A Yahoo! Contributor
Completely agree on separating what you want from what you need. Also agree that too many people foolishly ask for qualities that contract each other. However, this article concludes that opposites attract and that's simply not true. If the human race is inherently egotistical - a harsh reality that's rarely admitted - why not go for someone with similar qualities?
A Yahoo! Contributor
Team: Big question for everyone. Why is it that a women will say they want a nice gentleman type, that treats them right, and is good looking. You show up and are manly man that brings a rose and kisses the hand, puts there kid in the back of your jeep in a car seat, and does everything right. She is sexy and beautiful and 20 years old and your in a new vehicle 27, and make good money. Never hear from them again? My take women are just about all after the same thing we men are. Am I going to want to have sex with person twice and are they hot. Bottom line everyone lies on hear to get someone they probably can't satisfy because there not willing to be honest from the get go. Christ I even put I go to the gym all the time and am lucky if I get there once a week. Can't we all just stop fronting and be honest. MAN LOOKING FOR WOMEN TO HAVE GOOD TIMES, FUN AND LAUGHS, AND GREAT SEX ALL THE TIME!!! Who wants to bet I get more responses with that approach then mine which is by the way an honest approach. I want to meet someone I can't live without. Man I can't tell you guys enough, stop saying your a nice guy loking for love unless your a model type, all they'll do is go ahhhhhhh and never call you back. Here is to my homey crip cuz from Maywood on my last comedy act why men lie to get the***** and why women lie to get money and **** What do ya'll think !!! REBEL !!!
A Yahoo! Contributor
Yeah, I love the guys on here that you meet who appear nice, you begin a relationship, have sex etc. Their profiles miraculously never disappear and are active every day. However, they complain that you write men back on here! Say what?!?!? Can you say eat my cake, candy, bon bons....lmao.....
A Yahoo! Contributor
Kudos to #6... Actually you are correct. Women will respond better to the direct approach... At least you will turn away the ones not ready to handle it. It has had good success for me. What ticks me off is... you play it polite and cool, take the woman on 4 or 5 dates until she says "I want you" and practically rapes you, even after you say you want to take it carefully for the long term... then you find out what a limp, lazy, and selfish lover they really are and probably the reason they are without a partner in the first place. A complete dud! You feel like you have wasted all that time and money senselessly. Tip to the Ladies... become a wonderful lover and the world will beat a path to your door. A good lover will always receive a phone call and return engagement.
A Yahoo! Contributor
Just Love youself!
A Yahoo! Contributor
Most women are just parasites.... They take and take, but have nothing to offer in return. When they can start looking for a harmonious partner and stop looking for a man to take care of them, we will all get along much better.
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